Only the lonely…

I know it’s been a while. I know I said in my last post I might be bidding this little blog farewell. But, life never turns out like we think it will, and because I find myself in desperate need of a place to vent, here I am.

I know my problems are small, in comparison to what is currently going on in the world. Ebola. ISIS. Wars and rumors of wars. Earthquakes. Droughts. Fires. So much is happening, and in the grand scheme of things, my struggles mean very little.

But however small and insignificant my struggles really are, they’re still my struggles, and, as is so often the case in my life, I find myself with no one nearby to turn to. I’m super busy these days, going to school full-time, working part-time, all in a new city, at a new school, and in a completely new environment. I knew this transition to a four-year university would be a challenge, so I’m not surprised at how tough things have been for me so far, but although there are certain aspects of my new life I’m enjoying, overall I’m not nearly as happy and excited about my new situation as I hoped to be.

The main reason for this is how utterly lonely I feel. Even though I’m surrounded by students at school and live with three roommates, I have no real friends here yet. No one I feel I can really relate to or connect with. I have had moments where I’ve simply had to go for a drive in my car to get a good cry in, to let out all the pent-up emotions I’m feeling, because I have nowhere else to go. I know not having any real friends yet is partially my own fault, due to not venturing more to places like churches, but my overwhelming work-load, crazy schedule, and continuing distrust of churches in general have discouraged and hindered me from venturing out more.

But it’s more than that. I’m realizing, much to my own dismay, how the last several years of incredible pain and isolation have affected me. And though I’m attempting to become a more “normal” person, create a new life for myself, and leave the past behind, such a transition is far easier said than done. For better or worse, as I think I mentioned in my last post, I will be affected by some of my wounds for the rest of my life. And I’m just going to have to get used to the fact that not everyone will understand, that many will judge me wrongly, and that I simply will never be a completely “normal” person (if there is even such a thing) and learn to accept that about myself, whether others do or not.

This process of realization and acceptance is hard, though. And at the moment I’m not handling it too well. Especially when one’s environment is not very accepting and one feels the disconnection and alienation keenly. I’m a woman in my mid-thirties going to a university where I’m surrounded by teenagers to young twenty-somethings, I’m a middle-class, non-preppy person surrounded by mostly upper-class, preppy people, and I live with three young woman in their early-twenties whom, except for our Christian faith, I have very little in common with. (You’d think our faith would draw us together, but to be honest, it’s more of a peripheral issue, and I don’t connect well with other Christian women when I can’t connect with them on a deeper, spiritual level.) I just feel so disconnected, lost and alone. I thought I would at least have a “safe” environment in my living situation, since my roommates are Christians, but I’m definitely the odd one out, not just because of my age, but also because of my personality I suppose, which has not meshed well so far with the other girls. Oh, they’re sweet most of the time, and try to include me in things, but it’s the remarks I get sometimes, the looks, the insensitive laughter and poking fun, the immature reactions and behavior, that drive me up the wall. I simply have no one, either at my current home, or elsewhere, to turn to, to talk to, to vent to. I feel absolutely and utterly alone.

And that is not a good feeling. So here I am. Hello again, little blog. Much in my life has changed, but some things, it seems, never change.


8 thoughts on “Only the lonely…

  1. When I was thirty years old (and a graduate of law school since a couple of years prior), I took several post-baccalaureate undergraduate classes at Cleveland State, and most of my classmates were in their late teens and early twenties. Mind you, I didn’t live with any of them, but the differences were really quite striking. I think I would have gone bananas, if I’d had to live with themβ€”or they would have gone bananas. Bananas all around perhaps!

    It’s a funny thing about enduring misfortune: if the people you know now did not live through it with you, they’ll merely take you for how you are now and not understand how the pain shaped you. And you’re quite right, our sufferings do shape us. But the people we encounter will generally just take us for whatever we seem to be at the moment. I could practically write an essay or fifty thousand about this topic in my own online journal.

    It’s a combination of happiness and sorrow to have just seen your post pop up in my reader, and I think you’ll surmise the reasons why, April. I’m sorry that it was this current predicament that brings you back. As one who casts his own words into the Internet void, I have some idea that online society is no substitute for a real life friend, but nevertheless I’m reading (as, I suspect, others are too), so you’ve managed to talk to and to vent to someone. For whatever consolation that is. And it is nonetheless nice to “see” you again. πŸ™‚

    • Virgil, so nice to hear from you, and yes, it is a bit of a consolation to know my words are not being strewn into empty space, but that they have encountered a kind recipient and have meant something. So glad to hear too that I’m not alone in my predicament…I’ve always considered myself fairly “young at heart,” and I am one of those people that relates well with children, but for some reason, while there are behaviors I can accept and understand in children, I have difficulty tolerating them in young adults. And it seems the older I get the less tolerable those behaviors become. I’m just finding certain kinds of immaturity really, really rub me the wrong way. Perhaps it’s just an indication of old age!

      Anyhow, thank you for the kind words. I hope you are well, friend.

  2. I’m doing on a Bible Study right now and I found this post by doing a search on the Valley of Akhor. I see you are identifying with the trouble – Perhaps you can turn your eyes to the hope. Remember, God was punishing Israel for not following his command to keep clear of everything reserved for destruction. It turned out, it was one person in the whole camp that brought this on them. Reread Joshua 7:10-26. When this sin was brought out in the open, it was destroyed in the Valley and then they were able to move into the promised land. The word hope used here is the Hebrew word tiqvah. It also means cord and if you look at Joshua 2:18 you will see the spies told Rahab to “…tie this piece of scarlet cord (tiqvah) in the window you let us down from…” Unlike Akhor and his whole household who were destroyed, Rahab and her whole household were saved. Rabbi’s say Rahab left her sinful ways and married Joshua. She is listed as an ancestor of Jesus/Yeshua. Hosea’s next words are “On that day,” says the LORD “you will call me “My Husband”; you will no longer call me “My Master”.
    Life here will always be filled with trouble. Like you, although in “the big picture” my troubles seem small, they affect me and my family greatly. See our LORD as your HUSBAND who loves you and can save you. Do your best to walk away from the things headed for destruction. Think of God as the perfect husband – not a human one. He will rescue you, if you put out that cord of hope. You can lean on His shoulders. Bless you.

  3. April, I’ve been thinking of you lately. When I saw your comment on another blog, I thought I’d check out your blog to see, if just by any chance at all, you decided to blog again. And then found this post from October. I’m so sorry to hear about how you were feeling. I know that was around 6/7 months ago, but how are you feeling now? I want you to know that I am not normal also. Never have felt I am. I have my issues, but that makes me – me.
    I was wondering if you are still planning on coming to Brazil. Are you? The invitation is still open for you to come and vista here at our base close to Belo. Even if you aren’t going to Rio, or your plans have changed, you are invited to come. I would love to meet you and spend some time.
    By the way, can you tell me what you are studying again? I’m so sorry, but I have forgotten.
    Bless you.
    πŸ™‚ ❀

    • Hi Staci…thanks so much for checking in. I was actually thinking of contacting you as well, so good timing. Unfortunately, I will not be coming to Brazil as I hoped–the study abroad program I applied for was cancelled due to not enough applicants. I’m very disappointed, of course, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be! One way or another, I’ll return to Brazil at some point, God willing, and I’ll take you up on your invitation. πŸ™‚

      I’m currently doing somewhat better, but it’s been a rough year. Long story. So glad to hear from you and hope all is well in beautiful Brasil! πŸ™‚

      (I’m a linguistics major, btw)

      • Ohhhh, that’s too bad. When you do decide to come, make sure you let me know ok.
        I’m sorry you had a rough year. I’m having one heck of a crazy year so far. I’m dying to get some normalcy and routine back into my life. Maybe now that our final lag of our move is done.
        Oh wow! Linguistics eh. That’s great.
        Deus te abençoe.

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