I know it’s been a while. I know I said in my last post I might be bidding this little blog farewell. But, life never turns out like we think it will, and because I find myself in desperate need of a place to vent, here I am.
I know my problems are small, in comparison to what is currently going on in the world. Ebola. ISIS. Wars and rumors of wars. Earthquakes. Droughts. Fires. So much is happening, and in the grand scheme of things, my struggles mean very little.
But however small and insignificant my struggles really are, they’re still my struggles, and, as is so often the case in my life, I find myself with no one nearby to turn to. I’m super busy these days, going to school full-time, working part-time, all in a new city, at a new school, and in a completely new environment. I knew this transition to a four-year university would be a challenge, so I’m not surprised at how tough things have been for me so far, but although there are certain aspects of my new life I’m enjoying, overall I’m not nearly as happy and excited about my new situation as I hoped to be.
The main reason for this is how utterly lonely I feel. Even though I’m surrounded by students at school and live with three roommates, I have no real friends here yet. No one I feel I can really relate to or connect with. I have had moments where I’ve simply had to go for a drive in my car to get a good cry in, to let out all the pent-up emotions I’m feeling, because I have nowhere else to go. I know not having any real friends yet is partially my own fault, due to not venturing more to places like churches, but my overwhelming work-load, crazy schedule, and continuing distrust of churches in general have discouraged and hindered me from venturing out more.
But it’s more than that. I’m realizing, much to my own dismay, how the last several years of incredible pain and isolation have affected me. And though I’m attempting to become a more “normal” person, create a new life for myself, and leave the past behind, such a transition is far easier said than done. For better or worse, as I think I mentioned in my last post, I will be affected by some of my wounds for the rest of my life. And I’m just going to have to get used to the fact that not everyone will understand, that many will judge me wrongly, and that I simply will never be a completely “normal” person (if there is even such a thing) and learn to accept that about myself, whether others do or not.
This process of realization and acceptance is hard, though. And at the moment I’m not handling it too well. Especially when one’s environment is not very accepting and one feels the disconnection and alienation keenly. I’m a woman in my mid-thirties going to a university where I’m surrounded by teenagers to young twenty-somethings, I’m a middle-class, non-preppy person surrounded by mostly upper-class, preppy people, and I live with three young woman in their early-twenties whom, except for our Christian faith, I have very little in common with. (You’d think our faith would draw us together, but to be honest, it’s more of a peripheral issue, and I don’t connect well with other Christian women when I can’t connect with them on a deeper, spiritual level.) I just feel so disconnected, lost and alone. I thought I would at least have a “safe” environment in my living situation, since my roommates are Christians, but I’m definitely the odd one out, not just because of my age, but also because of my personality I suppose, which has not meshed well so far with the other girls. Oh, they’re sweet most of the time, and try to include me in things, but it’s the remarks I get sometimes, the looks, the insensitive laughter and poking fun, the immature reactions and behavior, that drive me up the wall. I simply have no one, either at my current home, or elsewhere, to turn to, to talk to, to vent to. I feel absolutely and utterly alone.
And that is not a good feeling. So here I am. Hello again, little blog. Much in my life has changed, but some things, it seems, never change.