Hello again, old blog.
I almost forgot this thing existed. But after consuming far too much caffeine (something I shouldn’t be consuming in the first place), I’m sitting here wide awake in my bed at nearly midnight, when I have to get up in about five hours or so.
So, I felt like writing. It’s been a while. Wow. It’s another year. How did that happen? A lot has taken place since my last few entries. Some good stuff, but also some bad.
Good stuff: I’m officially a full-time student now. I just started my second semester at the community college. Last semester went really well. I finished with a 4.0 GPA. I discovered that, yes, school definitely suits me. Though the community college atmosphere itself I don’t particularly care for, I love learning, I love being in a classroom, and I love being challenged. I liked most of my professors, though my favorite was the geology professor (geology was also my favorite class). Despite feeling a bit awkward at first trying to navigate the whole social aspect of school, I managed, and I actually met some lovely people. I discovered I’m not as bad at public speaking as I thought. I passed my public speaking class with flying colors (though I have to admit my teacher was a softie, so I’m not sure how much that says about my skills), and now, strangely enough, don’t fear standing in front of people and talking nearly as much as I used to. I also surprised myself in discovering how much I enjoy speaking up and actually participating in class. Yes, little, shy, quiet me! I’m not the “talker,” by any means, but I’m not afraid to open my mouth when I feel I have an answer.
So I think school has definitely been good for me. It’s given me more confidence in certain areas, which I needed.
But then there’s the bad stuff. Job, church…all that other stuff didn’t work out for me. I basically bolted. Then regressed. Fell back into my same old issues. I simply got scared when things started going so well for me, and I did what I always do when things seem too good to be true: I run. I stopped going to church for a few months. My relationship with God suffered. It’s still suffering, though I’m trying to get things back on track. I’ve alienated most of the few friends I have. I’ve become more and more reclusive. Which frightens me. And which I’m doing my best to fight. I did step out of my comfort zone a little bit for a few months by volunteering as an ESL teacher for a local charity. And I actually really enjoyed it, and totally fell in love with most of my students, many of whom were refugees. The children stole my heart in particular. But I recently ended that stint, mainly because it conflicted too much with school priorities—and, now, a new job as well. Yes, I did get another job, but it’s extremely part-time, so I make very little money.
So I’m not out of my valley yet. But this time around, I know it’s self-inflicted. I’m still here because I choose to be. Because freedom scares the h*** out of me. And until I deal with that fear, until I choose to believe the truth and not the lies, until I choose to put the past behind me, instead of letting it continue to taunt and torment me, I will never become the woman God wants me to be, and the woman I want to be.
God is still pursuing me. He hasn’t given up on me, even though I’ve almost given up on myself. He’s particularly pressing me in a few specific areas though, which perhaps I’ll share in another entry.
The caffeine is finally wearing off. Eyelids are getting heavy, so it is time for me to end, before I fall asleep at the keyboard….
