I wonder sometimes if I should simply abandon this blog…I barely contribute to it anymore, and I know no one reads it but me. But then, every once in a while, I get the urge to write, to pour out my thoughts and my heart, and then I remember it serves a small purpose at least. It helps too, for me to look back on what I have already written, to see where I’ve come from, what I’ve been through, and what God has shown me.
What a journey it has been. I feel old, hollow, and decrepit nowadays. A shadow of the person I used to be. The last few years have been, perhaps, the darkest of my life, and I barely recognize myself now, compared to the young woman I used to be. The Valley of Achor has changed me…in a few small ways for the better, but in other ways for the worse. I wish I could be like the heroes of the Bible, who went through dark, trying, and “purging” times in their lives, only to emerge strong and victorious. That has not been the case for me, unfortunately. I am more like the example John Piper once gave in a sermon, which I will never forget: when you bump or shake a beaker of liquid that has sediment or dirt in the bottom, the dirt gets stirred up and rises to the surface. And that is what all the bumping and shaking in my life has done: it has stirred up all the “dirt” in me, that I’ve tried for so long to leave at the bottom, and it has risen to the surface. And I now see myself for what I truly am. And it makes me cringe. The horror of my sinfulness, selfishness, pride, and filthy depravity stares me in the face every day, and I cannot bear it. I deserve death. And some days—though thankfully they are fewer and farther between than they used to be—I want death.
I have been through countless counseling sessions, healing prayer sessions, etc., over the last several years, in an effort to “deal’ with my issues, and instead of finding healing and help, I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps most of it was actually detrimental rather than helpful, and that I may never find true healing through any of those avenues. And perhaps I’m not meant to. I’ve become so inward-focused due to all the counseling I’ve been through, that turning outward has become more of a challenge. And that frightens me. So I’m not sure where the answer lies.
Despite my disappointment in emotional and mental healing, however, I can’t deny that God has done some pretty miraculous stuff in other areas of my life lately, bringing rays of hope and light into an otherwise weary, dejected heart. I seem to have finally found my “calling,” and once-huge-obstacles in my path have been removed, practically overnight. One of the biggest burdens I have been carrying for the past several years is financial debt. The prospect of it looming over my life, hindering my freedom, for many more years to come, seemed pretty certain. I was making no headway in paying it off, what with my job situation being unstable over the last few years, and I had become pretty hopeless about it.
And then God stepped in. He paid my debt. Gone. Just like that. In a matter of weeks. I’m free. I’m no longer carrying the proverbial “monkey on the back.” It’s an amazing feeling. A huge part of my despair and depression hinged on my financial woes…now that those woes are over, my spirits have lifted. I’ve learned I should never, ever underestimate what God can do. What looks impossible to us is always possible with Him. I didn’t deserve this gift—but He gave it anyway. Just like I didn’t deserve my debt of sin to be paid. But He did that too. Why does He continue to pour out such grace upon such a wretched, undeserving sinner as myself?
So that was one miracle in my life recently. And I know it wasn’t coincidence that it happened very shortly after God seemed to confirm to me the direction He wanted me to go in my life. I have been mulling over returning to school for a few years now, and suddenly it looks as if, after a 12-year hiatus, I will be able to. Those 12 years, filled with work and life experiences that have honed and shaped my interests, have brought me to this point where I finally know what field of study I want to pursue. And a few weeks ago God further sharpened my focus, by showing me how I can pursue this education with the goal of using it for the advancement of His kingdom.
I am hoping to pursue a major in linguistics. I have always been extremely language-oriented, excelling in grammar and English in school, loving to write, fascinated by ancient and foreign languages, fascinated by the origins of language, and simply awed by how language works. Stints at teaching English as a foreign language, learning other languages (such as Spanish and Brazilian Portuguese), and then, most recently, getting a taster course in linguistics itself (learning about sub-categories such as phonology and phonetics) have whetted my appetite for more knowledge about the scientific and anthropological aspects of human language. But I didn’t realize till recently that perhaps God gave me this language-oriented bent for a reason. As much as I want to go to school simply to learn and gain new skills, I don’t want that to be the end in and of itself. There has to be a greater purpose, an eternal goal in view, for any venture in my life. And now I know there can be.
There is a huge need in the world today, vital for spreading the Good News, that is dependent on language-oriented people like me. And that is Bible translation. A couple years ago I would have said teaching English was what I wanted to do, or working with kids was what I wanted to do—and I still am passionate about these things—but my focus has shifted. There are close to 2,000 languages worldwide without a Bible, a solid statistic that I can look at and go, wow, maybe God can use me to pare that number down. And saying to God, ok, here I am, send me, doesn’t mean saying no those other areas of need. Being involved in translation work means being involved with whole communities, with whole people groups, and ministering to them in various ways.
So, here I am. At the brink of an exciting new chapter in my life. I am hoping to start classes this fall at a local community college, then transfer to another school within a year or so. There are still big obstacles ahead. Such as how to pay for my education. But I figure, if God can remove one financial hurdle in my life, He can certainly remove others. As long as I am in His will, I really don’t need to stress out too much about the money part. My biggest prayer is that I would remain in His will. To only follow as He leads me. And I know that means being willing to let go of my plans, and my goals, and my desires, no matter how noble they may seem. If He should suddenly close the door to my linguistic pursuits, and tell me to go serve at a mental asylum in some far-off, third-world country, then I should be ready to do as He bids. So, even though I’m excited about the possibility of going back to school, and getting involved in translation work, I’m trying to hold everything lightly, with unclenched hands.
Besides, I do wonder, with all that’s going on in the world today—natural disasters, looming economic crises, wars, rumors of wars, etc. (seems to me Jesus mentioned these things in reference to the end times, didn’t He?)—will I even be around to accomplish anything a few years from now? I am living in interesting times, and I can only cling to God, and hand over my future to Him.
Whatever happens, though, I can rest assured that His plans for me are good plans. I’m still a fragile, faltering mess of a person, and I’m not out of my Valley yet, but when I look back at what I’ve been through over the last few years, and where I am now, I stand amazed at the goodness of God. There is hope, even for one such as me. Because God is a faithful God, and He is a God Who is in the business of redemption and restoration.
