Something about this evening was special. Something about this evening reminded me afresh what life was truly all about, and what made it worth living.
Just last night I was in a “vale of tears,” sobbing my heart out, overwhelmed by my circumstances, and the depression and mental hell that ever push me to end my life. I asked God what I had to live for anymore. There in my darkened room, lit only by one small candle, I laid out all my agony and despair to the God of heaven, weeping as I have not wept in a very long time.
God, in His infinite mercy and love, reached down this evening and reminded me of what truly matters, and that no matter how dark my world may seem at times, I am still so incredibly blessed, and I ought not take my blessings for granted.
I think it was a combination of things, the atmosphere, the sights, the smells, and the people around me, that helped lift my eyes off of myself and see everything through different lenses. For one thing, I had “my” children for part of today. They always lift my spirits. They played at my house for a while, and then, because they begged to stay, had dinner with my family and I at my parents’ house next door. They love my large family, and I love to expose them as much as possible to a different kind of family environment than they’re used to. This was the third time they’ve had dinner with us on a Sunday evening, and by now they know pretty much every brother and sister, as well as my aunt and grandmother. M. is so funny and cute as she greets everyone in her bubbly, outgoing way, and even J. gets enthusiastic. But tonight was just extra special—it felt a little like Christmas. It was nippy and starry outside, but inside a glowing fire warmed the hearth, there was good food on the table, and all around me were people that I loved. While waiting for dinner, I had found a box with some old pictures of mine, and as I showed them to M. and J., memories flooded back of better days in my life, of the innocence and wonder of my childhood, and the feelings these photos stirred in me carried over for the rest of the evening.
And here is the conclusion: life is all about love. Bottom line. No matter what I’ve been through in my life, no matter what hell I might still be going through, I can still look around at the people that I call family, and know that I am incredibly blessed. And know also that I am loved. As I sat there at the table, M. and J. beside me, joking, laughing, and hamming it up, and everyone else around me just chatting and smiling and being congenial, I knew life was worth living. It’s like the fog lifted, and I could suddenly see clearly.
I can sit and feel sorry for myself, or I can just see what’s right in front of me.
My Father in heaven heard my cries. He sees. He cares. I thank Him for my family, and I thank Him for my little rays of sunshine, M. and J. My heart right now is full.
